‘NICK CLEGG DOLLS RECALLED DUE TO ‘LACK OF SPINE”

Many stores had to send back thousands of Nick Clegg dolls today after complaints by consumers that they were all bendy and unable to stand upright. The floppy figurines are made by ‘The Dolitics Co’ and had been selling well, especially to students who were using them as a form of ‘stress revenge’.

“How can we break Nick Cleggs spine if it’s already broken?”, asked 20 year old student Ben Shipperton. “Now all we can do is smash his head off furniture and drown him in Pot Noodles.”

It is reported to happen everytime the doll is plugged into the wall.

“At first I thought ‘Well that’s what happens when it runs out of battery'”, said another concerned consumer, “but then I realised it happens everytime he gets a little bit of power. You pull the little yellow tie and he just ends up repeating the word ‘sorry’ at you from between his ankles.”

The decision to recall the dolls was made when the machinery at the Dolitics factory was said to have been ‘continually and paradoxically faulty”.

“We found this fault just in time, said the factory owner.

“We were making Boris Johnson dolls and when they came out of the machine they would say a bumbly thing then stab our employees in the face shouting “Hi. I’m Boris. Wanna play?”. We had a few test runs just in case but it happened every time. It could have been a disaster.”

The four Boris Johnson prototypes are now said to be in quarantine being guarded by Meg Tilly who is holding back an enrapt and hypnotised public.

‘The Dolitics Co’ are now close to closing down after a series of catastrophies. There was a furore over the infamous ‘face-hugger’ dolls of Queen Elizabeth II, the mispelt Jeremy Hunt packaging and the George Osborne figurines that would melt when placed in close proximity to an ordinary person.

“Remember those Ian Duncan Smith ones?”, said Ben, “They just smelled of Rod Hull’s right armpit. And I’m too young to know what that even smells like.”

Nick Clegg was unavailable for comment.

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