MINOR SCOTTISH CELEBRITIES ENDORSE ‘CONSCIOUS UNCOUPLING’ OF SCOTLAND FROM REST OF UK

 

A group of minor Scottish celebrities have come together to show their support for the ‘conscious uncoupling’ of Scotland from the rest of the UK.

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The announcement was made at a packed press conference in Bellshill, in which two former Big Brother contestants, Jim Delahunt, ‘Grado’ from Insane Fight Club and a random hippy appeared.

Asked why he supported a ‘Yes’ vote, a mildly ageing Cameron Stout replied

It is with a heart full of narcissism that I announce my endorsement of Scotland’s conscious uncoupling with the rest of the UK.”

The former big brother contestant who’s name or face no one could quite remember explained that they had chosen the term ‘conscious uncoupling’ because Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin had used it and so if they used it too, it meant that they were just as famous.

Questioned by a Daily Mail journalist, the random hippy started to reply, saying something about ‘wholeness’ or ‘wellbeing’ or something but was ceremoniously interrupted by Grado of Insane Fight Club:

You fae the Daily Mail? If ye ur ye better get oot a here ‘fore a uncouple yer baws.”

While the Daily Mail reporter left, Jim Delahunt assured the conference that Paolo Nutini was on his way.

By three o’clock, after the other big brother contestant had repeatedly mentioned his blog, (reportedly ghost-written by his own mother) and it was clear that Paolo Nutini was never at any point going to be coming, the press left.

The Krankies were unavailable for comment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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CHRIS GRAYLING PLANS ‘FULL SPECTRUM REDACTION’ OF ALL WORDS FROM UK PRISONS

Chris Grayling has brought forward plans to ‘ban sounds which end up constituting functioning words’ from prisons across the UK.

Implements that could be used to mark words down on a piece of paper, or perhaps a wall, will also be sidelined.

Serving criminals who do not follow the rules, by communicating through language that is going on their heads “will be muzzled”, said the justice secretary, with his mouth.

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“People are fed up with prisoners living the easy life, with their Sky TV, playing their Playstations all day and their continuous sponging of the innate abilities of all humans developed over millions of years of evolution. Hardened criminals are more than capable of saying whatever it is they say by using a series of moans and grunts”, said the MP for Epsom and Ewell.

“And if these grunts start to sound too much like human words, we need to make sure prisoners will know the consequences of their actions.”

Labour oppose the plans slightly.

Ed Miliband commented, “Criminals use words to commit crime. So whatever the Tories say, but not as much.”

No prisoners were available for comment.

DAILY RECORD CLAIMS IT WILL HAVE ‘ERADICATED ALL KNOWN DISEASES BY THE END OF 2014’

The Daily Record has claimed that it will have removed all known diseases from the planet by the end of 2014. Doctors and medical scientists around the world have been told that they can stop their work now, unless they can beat the newspaper by ending all disease before Hogmany.

The editor of the Daily Record, Mighty Mouse told us, “The Daily Record beat ATOS and the bedroom tax single handedly. And newspapers don’t even have hands.”

Here it comes to save the DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Here it comes to save the DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

People who worked tirelessly to defeat the bedroom tax had merely been “wasting their own time”, according to Mr Mouse.

“They could have been twiddling their thumbs all along.”

After getting rid of all known diseases, The Daily Record will move onto unknown ones.

“Then we’ll fix climate change on our tod.”, according to the anthropomorphic hero.

Asked by a passer by how The Daily Record could not save Rangers or adequately live-stream a Scotland game online, Mighty Mouse placed his hands on the disbelievers head.

“Go. You are healed.”, he said.

Commentators have claimed that there is no longer any point in humankind doing anything any more, as The Daily Record has already done it, or is just about to.

“See the pyramids? That was The Daily Record.” said one media expert.

“The Daily Record is the paper we deserve.”