Food Bank Photo-op

The murderer is opening the funeral

Of his own victims

Look at the warmth in his smile

Into the kindness behind his eyes

The flash of his suit

Did the photographer ask him to say


Or Tins

Or Super-noodles?

Or non-perishables?

Would that be too close to the bone?

What colour was the ribbon?

Did people clap at it’s cutting?

Did the murderer


A ghostly pat

On his back

As he went inside to see

The seeds

Of his destruction?

What was his soul telling him

As he stood next to the elderly volunteers?

Does he have one?

Did he look them in the face?

Was his face looked into by


Did the air bend?

Did the shelves swoon and stretch?

Did the grotesque spread

It’s crooked black wings

In between the flashes?

Was this witnessed?

His maggot teeth?

His wriggling claws?

His flaming tonsils?

The latent reek of mould descending?

Did the elderly women miss it?

Did the photographer capture the moment?

Would he spill the beans?

Did the slime seats of Westminster

Appear behind the minister

In negative apparition?

The vile brethren mass around him


Cooking with glee?

Rocking back and forth in ecstacy

At what they had done

And what they were doing

And could do?

And did the politician shake the hands

Of these poor people

As soon as the photographer had lifted his finger off the button?

Had he left as soon as he had come

In a car with blacked out windows

And disappeared

Into his night

To do what it is

He does?


Tony Blair Wins No Awards At Awards

Tony Blair won no awards at an awards ceremony in London last night. It has been reported that this may be a sign that things are ‘moving in the right direction’.

A rival awards ceremony organiser said

“It’s becoming more clear in the awards ceremony community, that Tony Blair is not welcome at awards. Tony Blair not winning an award last night is a promising step forward. Once people stop inviting him along then we can start thinking about arresting him for war crimes.”


The award, won by Captain Pugwash was accepted gracefully by the pirate. Pugwash stated this morning

“I watched it when I got home. You could see Tony Blair trying to keep smiling when he didn’t get the award but I could see acid dribbling out of his mouth. I actually think he’s a xenomorph.”

Master Bates, who was present with the captain at the ceremony was proud of his coworker’s achievements but was less forgiving of Blair’s presence.

“Who the fuck would invite Tony Blair to fucking anything? And I’m a cartoon pirate.”

No one is sure when and if the former prime minister will again be invited to an awards ceremony.

90s act Deep Blue Something to re-release ‘Breakfast At Tiffany’s’ as ‘Cannibal Holocaust’

DBS90’s one hit wonder act Deep Blue Something have decided to re-release a new version of their 1995 song ‘Breakfast At Tiffany’s’ as ‘Cannibal Holocaust’.

The decision came when the singer admitted that he and his then girlfriend had reportedly not “both kinda liked” ‘Breakfast At Tiffany’s’ but had in fact “both kinda liked” the more bloody 1980s gore festival ‘Cannibal Holocaust’, the discovery of which saved their relationship.

“Yeah we both kinda liked it.” confessed the singer.

“We stayed together for about six months after that.”

The band penned ‘Cannibal Holocaust’ in 1992.

“The first time we played it, we realised that we had created a new genre, a crunching, deep, new vibration the world was barely ready for. But the suits wouldn’t release it. That’s record companies for you.”

The band then converted from their ground breaking new sound ‘mulchcore’ to a new sound more suited to driving to Safeway to. They began to wear denim on denim and cut their hair, spending much of their career playing their music on stools, despite the fact they were young men.

However, the band say they are back with a vengeance.

“We’re ready to unleash mulch-core unto the world. The forces of darkness have commanded us.”