The Deed Poll Office in London has unilaterally added quotation marks to the last name of the shadow foreign secretary.
Speaking to us from underneath a large oil painting of Tony Benn, civil servant Barbara Tomlinson explained how they took the decision.
“We couldn’t bear Hillary “Benn”’s relentless drive for war, when his father Tony Benn said “If you can find the money to kill people, you can find the money to help people.”
“I mean where was he at the dinner table when he was a child? Was he too busy to listen to his own Dad? He really should have opened his fucking ears.”
Asked how someone’s name could be changed without their permission, Barbara replied:
“We decided that as he’s not asking the people he wants to bomb to death for permission to bomb them to death, that we would find the necessary loopholes. Plus it only cost about £15.”
Hillary “Benn” was unavailable for comment.