Millennium Bug To Have First Pint


On the stroke of midnight, the Millennium Bug will go into a pub and order it’s first pint, it has been reported.

The bug, which in the year leading to to the year 2000, threatened to mess with calendars and bring down planes or something, will naively buy a niche craft ale, then ask the bartender for a lager instead.

No longer needing the driving license of a parent with a passport photo of itself crudely taped onto it, the bug will attempt to legally enter all drinking establishments that are still open after T minus 1200.

Not standing conspicuously at the end of a bar with underage friends until someone plucks up the courage will be a new experience for Y2K, according to computer scientists from the University of London.

“Hopefully, the overflow of binary information will cause all Weatherspoons to malfunction and close down permanently.” speculated Professor John Smiths from the Department of Technology.

“Unlike 2000, when it didn’t bother to show up, this could end up being a blessing in disguise.”.




According to Labour leadership candidate Owen Smith, the Cornetto you found hidden at the bottom of your freezer was down to him. Yesterday afternoon, at one of his small gatherings he announced his policies, one of which was quite literally “free ice cream”.

Despite remembering that drunken trip to Farmfoods, the nation was beseeched by Smith, to just consider, for one second, if not till the deadline for voting, that your recently discovered box of strawberry flavour Cornettos came from elsewhere. “Ta-dah!, he wriggled, That was me that was!”

Smith then went on to tell reporters that he was “normal”, “not a lesbian” and “every bit as radical as Jeremy Corbyn, who let us remember, killed Jesus. But I didn’t.”.

Moving on swiftly, Smith went on to complain that the leader of the Labour Party was in the leadership election at all.

“I mean,, why should he be? See that feeling you get when the delicious strawberry texture melts on your tongue and the little pecan nuts gently tingle on the back of your throat? Not Corbyn. When the cone breaks away on your lips and crunches into your mouth? Not Corbyn. When you get to the bottom and the small chocolate bit makes you all thirsty again? Thirsty for….no wait….not that……has anyone noticed how Cornets are a bit smaller than they used to be? No! Come back plebs! Haven;t finished yet!


The Deed Poll Office in London has unilaterally added quotation marks to the last name of the shadow foreign secretary.

Speaking to us from underneath a large oil painting of Tony Benn, civil servant Barbara Tomlinson explained how they took the decision.

“We couldn’t bear Hillary “Benn”’s relentless drive for war, when his father Tony Benn said “If you can find the money to kill people, you can find the money to help people.”

“I mean where was he at the dinner table when he was a child? Was he too busy to listen to his own Dad? He really should have opened his fucking ears.”

Asked how someone’s name could be changed without their permission, Barbara replied:

“We decided that as he’s not asking the people he wants to bomb to death for permission to bomb them to death, that we would find the necessary loopholes. Plus it only cost about £15.”

Hillary “Benn” was unavailable for comment.


Tony Blair has suggested that the crucifixion of Christ was all down to Labour leadership candidate Jeremy Corbyn.

In his most recent guest column for The Daily Telegraph, he laid out in detail how Corbyn had orchestrated the whole thing by infiltrating the establishment of the time.

“That’s what infiltrators do. They kill Jesus. And if they killed our Lord and saviour, what will they do to my party?”

In the article, the former prime minister also outlined that further to the execution of God, Jeremy Corbyn was also anti-austerity, loved migrants and worst of all, liked to stop wars.

“If only Andy Burnham had been there to stop him. He would have done…..something.”

Jeremy Corbyn was unavailable for comment as he was doing a packed out tour of the country.

Nick Clegg Still Talking Despite General Concept of Futility

Nick Clegg is still proffering his opinions openly and with no sense of futility, embarrassment or shame, say the public.

Despite having lied to all of us, he still deems it appropriate to even open his mouth.

“I can’t find a job, have a massive student debt yet I’m still living in a world where Nick Clegg feels that using his vocal chords for communication purposes is somehow legitimate .”

said Liz, a former student from Derby.

“He’s still…..there. Talking.”

Scientists would like to examine the Lib Dem leader’s brain to study how, despite everything, the neural pathways that deal with him addressing anyone ever again, remain open.

“It’s a complete mystery.”, said Dr Malcolm, lecturer in Neurological Linguistics at MIT.

“They should completely shut down if they have a conscience.”

Max Clifford offered him some advice.

“He should cover his face so that people think they are listening to someone who is afraid to reveal their identity. They would trust him more. But then again, they wouldn’t know it was him. ”

Clegg was still saying things at the time of writing.

Food Bank Photo-op

The murderer is opening the funeral

Of his own victims

Look at the warmth in his smile

Into the kindness behind his eyes

The flash of his suit

Did the photographer ask him to say


Or Tins

Or Super-noodles?

Or non-perishables?

Would that be too close to the bone?

What colour was the ribbon?

Did people clap at it’s cutting?

Did the murderer


A ghostly pat

On his back

As he went inside to see

The seeds

Of his destruction?

What was his soul telling him

As he stood next to the elderly volunteers?

Does he have one?

Did he look them in the face?

Was his face looked into by


Did the air bend?

Did the shelves swoon and stretch?

Did the grotesque spread

It’s crooked black wings

In between the flashes?

Was this witnessed?

His maggot teeth?

His wriggling claws?

His flaming tonsils?

The latent reek of mould descending?

Did the elderly women miss it?

Did the photographer capture the moment?

Would he spill the beans?

Did the slime seats of Westminster

Appear behind the minister

In negative apparition?

The vile brethren mass around him


Cooking with glee?

Rocking back and forth in ecstacy

At what they had done

And what they were doing

And could do?

And did the politician shake the hands

Of these poor people

As soon as the photographer had lifted his finger off the button?

Had he left as soon as he had come

In a car with blacked out windows

And disappeared

Into his night

To do what it is

He does?

Tony Blair Wins No Awards At Awards

Tony Blair won no awards at an awards ceremony in London last night. It has been reported that this may be a sign that things are ‘moving in the right direction’.

A rival awards ceremony organiser said

“It’s becoming more clear in the awards ceremony community, that Tony Blair is not welcome at awards. Tony Blair not winning an award last night is a promising step forward. Once people stop inviting him along then we can start thinking about arresting him for war crimes.”


The award, won by Captain Pugwash was accepted gracefully by the pirate. Pugwash stated this morning

“I watched it when I got home. You could see Tony Blair trying to keep smiling when he didn’t get the award but I could see acid dribbling out of his mouth. I actually think he’s a xenomorph.”

Master Bates, who was present with the captain at the ceremony was proud of his coworker’s achievements but was less forgiving of Blair’s presence.

“Who the fuck would invite Tony Blair to fucking anything? And I’m a cartoon pirate.”

No one is sure when and if the former prime minister will again be invited to an awards ceremony.