90s act Deep Blue Something to re-release ‘Breakfast At Tiffany’s’ as ‘Cannibal Holocaust’

DBS90’s one hit wonder act Deep Blue Something have decided to re-release a new version of their 1995 song ‘Breakfast At Tiffany’s’ as ‘Cannibal Holocaust’.

The decision came when the singer admitted that he and his then girlfriend had reportedly not “both kinda liked” ‘Breakfast At Tiffany’s’ but had in fact “both kinda liked” the more bloody 1980s gore festival ‘Cannibal Holocaust’, the discovery of which saved their relationship.

“Yeah we both kinda liked it.” confessed the singer.

“We stayed together for about six months after that.”

The band penned ‘Cannibal Holocaust’ in 1992.

“The first time we played it, we realised that we had created a new genre, a crunching, deep, new vibration the world was barely ready for. But the suits wouldn’t release it. That’s record companies for you.”

The band then converted from their ground breaking new sound ‘mulchcore’ to a new sound more suited to driving to Safeway to. They began to wear denim on denim and cut their hair, spending much of their career playing their music on stools, despite the fact they were young men.

However, the band say they are back with a vengeance.

“We’re ready to unleash mulch-core unto the world. The forces of darkness have commanded us.”

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Titan Sketch

The President of the United States of America is sitting at his desk, flicking through a newspaper alone in the Oval Office. He stops at a page, pulls the page closer to his face, then puts the paper down on the desk. He presses a button on his intercom.

PRESIDENT: Mary. Could you send in the vice president please?

MARY: (through intercom) Certainly Mr President.

The President picks up the paper again and stares in awe at the page for a while. The vice president comes in.

VP: You asked for me Mr President?

PRESIDENT: Indeed I did. I just noticed here in this paper that there is a place called Titan. Now I ask you Mr Vice president, and I do ask you sincerely; have you heard of this place they call Titan?

VP: Yes. I have.

PRESIDENT: And did you know that vast swathes of oil have been discovered there?

VP: Yes. But…

PRESIDENT: Well I’ve been looking at the pictures and it doesn’t look like a very hospitable place to live. Looks like it’s always night there. Looks kinda gloomy…

VP: Yes. That because…

PRESIDENT: Now let me finish now. I was just getting to thinking about how we can help those poor Titaneses or whatever some-such they’re called over there. Looks to me like Titan needs a helping hand. I can feel the hand of freedom liftin’ high…

VP: Forgive me Mr President but, we’d have to lift it pretty high. You see….

PRESIDENT: Well we’ll just Goddamn well have to. The price of freedom cannot be….bargained with. Why I’ve never known such a lack of candour coming from yourself Mr Vice President. Where has you heart gone? Where is your fire for freedom?

VP: It’s….

PRESIDENT: Yes! It’s the new triangle of evil. Iran. North Korea of course. (the President stands up.) Titan.

VP: Please Mr…

PRESIDENT: They got terrorists in this Titan?

VP: Well if they did they’d find it pretty hard to breath…

PRESIDENT: Pollution huh?

(the president sits down again, slowly.)

Goddamn it.

VP (gets louder.) Mr President…

PRESIDENT: Y’know. I’ve been getting’ tired of all this pollution., pollutin’ the good air of this great planet…seems to me something ought to be done.

VP: That’s the thing Mr President. Titan is a planet Mr President. Well…the moon of a planet. Saturn to be precise.

PRESIDENT: Well why didn’t you say so.

The President presses the button on his intercom.

Mary. Could you get me NASA on the phone?

MARY: Certainly Mr President.

A dialing tone comes through the intercom. Charles Bolden, the head of Nasa’s voice comes through.

CHARLES: Charles Bolden, NASA. How can I help you?

PRESIDENT: Good day to you Charles. This is your president speaking.

CHARLES: Why, good day to you Mr President.

PRESIDENT: Yes indeed it is. I have one question for you.

CHARLES: By all means fire away.

PRESIDENT: Do we own Titan?

CHARLES: Own? Uh…no Mr President. We don’t own any of the planets.

PRESIDENT: All due respect Mr….uh…

CHARLES: Bolden sir. It’s Bolden.

PRESIDENT: Well all due respect Mr Bolden but I do believe Titan is a moon and if I’m not mistaken we have claim to at least one moon.

CHARLES: That’s not strictly true.

The president looks at the vice president and makes a circle with his finger next to his temple.

PRESIDENT: Yeah. Uh. Sure Bolden. Well…uh…thanks for the uh…advice. Speak soon.

CHARLES: Nice talking to you Mr President.

PRESIDENT: Right back at ya.

The president hangs up on the intercom then presses the button to speak to Mary. He stands up and straightens his tie.

Mary. Could you set up a press conference for 6 o’clock? I want to declare our ownership of Titan. Goddamn it. The first foot that’s going to set foot on that forsaken frontier will be a free foot. Mark my words. Freedom’s gonna lay claim atop Titans toosh before any terrorist can ever set toe there. Let the shuttles soar!

VP: They’ve been de-commissioned sir…

PRESIDENT: Let the spacecraft soar! Let the first toe on Titan be an American toe! We’ll get those western values there if kills us! Well y’know….not us. Oh and Mary?

MARY: Yes Mr President?

PRESIDENT: Fire the head of NASA will you? He’s a few planets short of a system.

 

 

MINOR SCOTTISH CELEBRITIES ENDORSE ‘CONSCIOUS UNCOUPLING’ OF SCOTLAND FROM REST OF UK

 

A group of minor Scottish celebrities have come together to show their support for the ‘conscious uncoupling’ of Scotland from the rest of the UK.

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The announcement was made at a packed press conference in Bellshill, in which two former Big Brother contestants, Jim Delahunt, ‘Grado’ from Insane Fight Club and a random hippy appeared.

Asked why he supported a ‘Yes’ vote, a mildly ageing Cameron Stout replied

It is with a heart full of narcissism that I announce my endorsement of Scotland’s conscious uncoupling with the rest of the UK.”

The former big brother contestant who’s name or face no one could quite remember explained that they had chosen the term ‘conscious uncoupling’ because Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin had used it and so if they used it too, it meant that they were just as famous.

Questioned by a Daily Mail journalist, the random hippy started to reply, saying something about ‘wholeness’ or ‘wellbeing’ or something but was ceremoniously interrupted by Grado of Insane Fight Club:

You fae the Daily Mail? If ye ur ye better get oot a here ‘fore a uncouple yer baws.”

While the Daily Mail reporter left, Jim Delahunt assured the conference that Paolo Nutini was on his way.

By three o’clock, after the other big brother contestant had repeatedly mentioned his blog, (reportedly ghost-written by his own mother) and it was clear that Paolo Nutini was never at any point going to be coming, the press left.

The Krankies were unavailable for comment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

CHRIS GRAYLING PLANS ‘FULL SPECTRUM REDACTION’ OF ALL WORDS FROM UK PRISONS

Chris Grayling has brought forward plans to ‘ban sounds which end up constituting functioning words’ from prisons across the UK.

Implements that could be used to mark words down on a piece of paper, or perhaps a wall, will also be sidelined.

Serving criminals who do not follow the rules, by communicating through language that is going on their heads “will be muzzled”, said the justice secretary, with his mouth.

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“People are fed up with prisoners living the easy life, with their Sky TV, playing their Playstations all day and their continuous sponging of the innate abilities of all humans developed over millions of years of evolution. Hardened criminals are more than capable of saying whatever it is they say by using a series of moans and grunts”, said the MP for Epsom and Ewell.

“And if these grunts start to sound too much like human words, we need to make sure prisoners will know the consequences of their actions.”

Labour oppose the plans slightly.

Ed Miliband commented, “Criminals use words to commit crime. So whatever the Tories say, but not as much.”

No prisoners were available for comment.

DAILY RECORD CLAIMS IT WILL HAVE ‘ERADICATED ALL KNOWN DISEASES BY THE END OF 2014’

The Daily Record has claimed that it will have removed all known diseases from the planet by the end of 2014. Doctors and medical scientists around the world have been told that they can stop their work now, unless they can beat the newspaper by ending all disease before Hogmany.

The editor of the Daily Record, Mighty Mouse told us, “The Daily Record beat ATOS and the bedroom tax single handedly. And newspapers don’t even have hands.”

Here it comes to save the DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Here it comes to save the DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

People who worked tirelessly to defeat the bedroom tax had merely been “wasting their own time”, according to Mr Mouse.

“They could have been twiddling their thumbs all along.”

After getting rid of all known diseases, The Daily Record will move onto unknown ones.

“Then we’ll fix climate change on our tod.”, according to the anthropomorphic hero.

Asked by a passer by how The Daily Record could not save Rangers or adequately live-stream a Scotland game online, Mighty Mouse placed his hands on the disbelievers head.

“Go. You are healed.”, he said.

Commentators have claimed that there is no longer any point in humankind doing anything any more, as The Daily Record has already done it, or is just about to.

“See the pyramids? That was The Daily Record.” said one media expert.

“The Daily Record is the paper we deserve.”

PHYSICISTS DISCOVER THE UNIVERSE IS ACTUALLY AN 11-D HOLOGRAM

universeScientists have recently discovered that the universe is actually an eleven dimensional hologram.

People who pay £12.95 to see a 3D film will now be enraged that they are losing out on eight dimensions.

Professor Emeritus Caracticus Crack explained that although we only perceive our surroundings in a three dimensional way, we’re too stupid to see the other ones:

“Some of the dimensions are the same and so cancel each other out but trust us, they are actually there. Don’t worry. It’s not your fault.”

Physicists at the University of Columbia made the discovery during the weekend.

Crack explained: “We were discussing quantum physics over some drugs and during the course of the evening, came to understand that space miasmically shifts in a sort of fractal bundle and that nebula are actually relatively flumpy in nature. We then realised that if we were really ginormous and walking past the observable universe, that it would move sidyways and kind of freak us out.”

Crack went on to say “I’d have to admit that I fail to see any practical use for this information whatsoever.”

However, co-discoverer Gregory Zappa-Fufkin-Jones disagrees.

“It’s all about perspective, Now, let’s say I was to stab you in the face with a large knife. You would only feel 27.272727272727 of the pain incurred. Which is in a way, a blessing.”

Professor Crack went on to say:

“When ordinary lay type people ask me to explain it, I just say ‘Remember those popular framed eagle hologram pictures from the 80’s that were popular in suburban households? Well the universe is a bit like that, only less tacky.’”.

Scientists will meet at a global summit on a Tuesday to discuss the ramifications.

‘NICK CLEGG DOLLS RECALLED DUE TO ‘LACK OF SPINE”

Many stores had to send back thousands of Nick Clegg dolls today after complaints by consumers that they were all bendy and unable to stand upright. The floppy figurines are made by ‘The Dolitics Co’ and had been selling well, especially to students who were using them as a form of ‘stress revenge’.

“How can we break Nick Cleggs spine if it’s already broken?”, asked 20 year old student Ben Shipperton. “Now all we can do is smash his head off furniture and drown him in Pot Noodles.”

It is reported to happen everytime the doll is plugged into the wall.

“At first I thought ‘Well that’s what happens when it runs out of battery'”, said another concerned consumer, “but then I realised it happens everytime he gets a little bit of power. You pull the little yellow tie and he just ends up repeating the word ‘sorry’ at you from between his ankles.”

The decision to recall the dolls was made when the machinery at the Dolitics factory was said to have been ‘continually and paradoxically faulty”.

“We found this fault just in time, said the factory owner.

“We were making Boris Johnson dolls and when they came out of the machine they would say a bumbly thing then stab our employees in the face shouting “Hi. I’m Boris. Wanna play?”. We had a few test runs just in case but it happened every time. It could have been a disaster.”

The four Boris Johnson prototypes are now said to be in quarantine being guarded by Meg Tilly who is holding back an enrapt and hypnotised public.

‘The Dolitics Co’ are now close to closing down after a series of catastrophies. There was a furore over the infamous ‘face-hugger’ dolls of Queen Elizabeth II, the mispelt Jeremy Hunt packaging and the George Osborne figurines that would melt when placed in close proximity to an ordinary person.

“Remember those Ian Duncan Smith ones?”, said Ben, “They just smelled of Rod Hull’s right armpit. And I’m too young to know what that even smells like.”

Nick Clegg was unavailable for comment.