According to Labour leadership candidate Owen Smith, the Cornetto you found hidden at the bottom of your freezer was down to him. Yesterday afternoon, at one of his small gatherings he announced his policies, one of which was quite literally “free ice cream”.

Despite remembering that drunken trip to Farmfoods, the nation was beseeched by Smith, to just consider, for one second, if not till the deadline for voting, that your recently discovered box of strawberry flavour Cornettos came from elsewhere. “Ta-dah!, he wriggled, That was me that was!”

Smith then went on to tell reporters that he was “normal”, “not a lesbian” and “every bit as radical as Jeremy Corbyn, who let us remember, killed Jesus. But I didn’t.”.

Moving on swiftly, Smith went on to complain that the leader of the Labour Party was in the leadership election at all.

“I mean,, why should he be? See that feeling you get when the delicious strawberry texture melts on your tongue and the little pecan nuts gently tingle on the back of your throat? Not Corbyn. When the cone breaks away on your lips and crunches into your mouth? Not Corbyn. When you get to the bottom and the small chocolate bit makes you all thirsty again? Thirsty for….no wait….not that……has anyone noticed how Cornets are a bit smaller than they used to be? No! Come back plebs! Haven;t finished yet!